Ingrid Berman, the late award winning actress, was quoted as saying, “Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.”

Many of us find out, even as kids, that we can want something desperately, and then get it, only to become bored with it within days and want something different. As grown-ups, we continue to want what we think will make life better, but do we know for sure that it will be enough to make us happy?

Most people will say they want more money, for example. When you ask them why, it’s usually to buy a new house, a new car, gadgets, travel, and so on. However, a more pointed question is: “What positive experience would you associate with having more money and the things that money can provide?” The answers usually point toward the real wants: more freedom, security, peace of mind, power, pleasure-variables that also satisfy our most basic needs.

Now dig even deeper and consider: does having more money absolutely mean having more freedom, or security, or peace of mind?

Look at today’s jet-setting tabloid celebrity, whose every move is observed and scrutinized. Can they really do whatever they want without their fame and success negatively impacting their personal freedom, peace of mind, or even security? An abundance of money certainly provides thrilling opportunities, but it doesn’t always come without some kind of price to well-being. A tragic consequence of unquenchable tabloid thirst is the late Princess Diana, escaping paparazzi in her last moments of life.

Contrarily, does not having money mean you can’t have freedom, security, and peace of mind-those qualities we tend to associate with happiness? Mother Theresa certainly didn’t think so. But for the rest of us, to be honest and real, having more money will more likely open doors to greater happiness. However, we can also truthfully state that happiness is not tied solely to the amount of money you have in your bank account, or the objects it can buy.

So in the end, what are we really after? What do we really want?

What we’re really seeking is a feeling that the objects of our wants will bring. A new house can give us a sense of comfort. A new car can heighten a feeling of importance. A passionate relationship can bring us love, connection, and ecstasy. Travel and toys can invoke excitement and stave off boredom. Landing the dream job can satisfy our need to achieve and be recognized.

The point here isn’t to say that we shouldn’t want the objects and symbols we think will make us happy. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t have the best of both worlds-the material as well as those intangible feelings. However, it’s important for us to keep in mind that our happiness isn’t limited to the objects of our desires. We don’t have to wait until we get want we want in order to be happy.

We can gain those same feelings we think our material desires will give us in other ways. The more we focus on the positive experiences we want out of life, not only do we tend to produce those more frequently, but also the easier it is to produce the “things” we want. Focusing on money may not make us any more secure or free, yet focusing on producing freedom and security makes it easier to create material success to go along with the inner qualities of fulfillment.

Those feelings and experiences we’re really after are available whether we get our wants or not. Donating some free time to a cause you really care about-from coaching kids’ athletics to numerous kinds of charities-can provide feelings of security and connection among like-minded individuals, and recognition that makes you feel good about yourself for helping others, just as much as earning the income and getting all those nice toys that bring the satisfaction of achievement.

Things get damaged or destroyed. Relationships can end abruptly. Trophies can lose their luster. But when you know what it is you’re really after, you gain a greater understanding that happiness is not primarily in the object, but in the experience and feeling that is available to us now and always.

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